Joey's Diary
by RoseOnAVine
Summary: Complete What if Joey kept an online diary about his love for Rachel? S8 timeline. For JR fans, not recommended for RR fans.
1. The Beginning

Joey's Diary  
  
Chapter 1: The Beginning  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Friends" or any of the characters - but if I did, boy, would Season 9 have gone a little differently!  
  
THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first fanfic, although I have been a loyal watcher since Season 1. I am a devoted J/R fan and wanted to get it out of my system while enjoying writing at the same time. I have tried to capture Joey's character accurately, hence the slightly redundant wording - I love Joey but he doesn't have the most extensive vocabulary. Anyway, I put a great deal of effort into it and had a great time writing this. If enough people enjoy and want to see more, I'll continue.thanks!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
She moved out this morning.  
  
I've been thinking about when I first knew how I feel about her. I guess it had been going on for a while, building up to this point, only I didn't notice it because it happened so naturally. We were together all the time so it became normal for me to look for her face when I walked in the door, for her to be the first person I saw in the morning and the last person I saw at night. I never realized how much I looked forward to seeing her, talking to her, and just being with her. I never realized how good it felt to know she was in the next room.  
  
Until now.  
  
But I never thought I was falling in love with her. She was my best friend. Sure, she's hot. I mean, she's beautiful. It's not an opinion - it's a fact, it's beyond question. No one can look at her and deny how beautiful she is. But I never thought of her that way, beyond the obvious sexual attraction. And believe me, sexual attraction means nothing. At least not after you've had real love.  
  
That night that we went out on the "date", I think everything changed then. Maybe it just woke me up, because it had probably been there all along to some degree. I had never enjoyed being with any woman that much. Dinner and talking have always just been the means to an end, you know, the non-sex part of the date that you have to get through to finally get the girl in bed. In the morning, I couldn't wait for the girl to leave or for me to be able to slip away and go home. Sometimes I'd call the girl again, but more often I wouldn't. There was no feeling involved at all other than conquest.  
  
With Rachel it was different. It was like she opened a new world for me and I didn't want the night to end. When she showed me her "move" before she went to bed, I almost stopped breathing. I can't put my feelings into words. Everything we'd shared and my love for her as my best friend shifted or changed or whatever you want to call it. All I know is that it became something so much more powerful and since then has grown stronger and more intense with every single minute of every single day, and I don't know how I am going to make it without her.  
  
I couldn't sleep that night. All I could think about was how everything had changed and what to do next. What would I say to her the next day? Would she see it all over my face?  
  
When she asked me if I "felt a little weird" the night before, I almost collapsed with relief. So it wasn't just me after all! But it turned out to be just food poisoning that made her feel weird. Stupid lobster.  
  
When I went home and she was watching "Cujo", she wanted me to sit close to her like we always do when we watch a scary movie. I didn't want to do it. I didn't know if I could handle it, but I had to do it. She didn't know anything had changed and I had to act like the same old Joey, her best buddy and roommate. It would have looked weird to her if I refused to sit with her. So I did, and it terrified me. It felt so good just to be near her, but it felt so bad at the same time, because there I was with this woman who I could talk to about anything - anything but how I really feel.  
  
I tried to forget about it, I really did. I told myself it was just a crush, like Phoebe said. But then she'd walk out of her room in the morning, and this rush of love would hit me and nearly knock me over. She was so beautiful, so unbelievably beautiful, even before she put on her makeup. I've never seen anyone as beautiful as she is in the morning. I would think of any excuse to hang around in the morning so I could just look at her. Every day it gets a little harder to hide my feelings. It's all I can do not to take her in my arms and tell her everything. Knowing that I can never tell her is almost going to be the death of me.  
  
The right thing to do was to send her to live with Ross. I'm not the father, and it was wrong for me to be there for all these important moments when it should be him. So that's what I told them both. At first when I told them that she should move in with Ross, she looked a little hurt and acted like she didn't want to leave. I can't describe how that made me feel, like there was hope for me and that maybe, just maybe, she felt the same way for me that I feel for her. I guess some part of me wanted her to tell me that she couldn't stand to be away from me, and to refuse to leave. But deep down, she knew it was the right thing to do and she went.  
  
And yeah, Ross will take good care of her, but can he ever love her the way I do? Can he make her laugh and get her to relax and not take things so seriously? Will Ross order pizza for her at midnight and make her a mint chocolate chip smoothie for breakfast?  
  
Not that any of this matters anymore, because she's gone.  
  
Before I started writing this entry, I went into her room and just stood there. It still smells like her, like her perfume. I noticed a tube of mascara she'd thrown away in the bathroom wastebasket before she left. This place is so empty without her. I've been sitting here all day trying to get used to being alone again. If I did the right thing, why does it hurt so damn much?  
  
I'm either going to have to tell her how I feel or leave the city so that I don't ache with misery every time someone mentions her name. I'll kill myself if I have to see her in love with someone else. Vermont is looking pretty good right now. If my job and my best friends weren't here, my bags would already be packed.  
  
Gotta go - Chandler's here with beer and pizza, trying to cheer me up again, I guess. Better than drinking sour orange juice. I'll write more later. 


	2. The Biggest Risk

Joey's Diary  
  
Chapter 2: The Biggest Risk  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Friends" or any of the characters. But if I did, oh, the fun I'd have!  
  
THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you for the positive reviews! If people continue enjoying it, I'll probably keep it going and possibly move forward into S9. That does depend somewhat on the upcoming S9 finale - I expect an eventual R/R reunion but, as the world's most ardent J/R fan, I am pining and hoping for a little J/R time before the inevitable happens!  
  
Also, I do try to capture Joey's voice accurately: limited vocabulary, imperfect grammar and all. The use of a limited vocabulary can lead to occasionally redundant wording. This chapter was a little more difficult for me to do, but I finally got on a roll with it and am pretty happy with the outcome.  
  
So, read, enjoy, and review! I have Chapter 3 completed now, and I think it's the best one so far. I hope to continue getting positive reviews before I post it! Thanks!  
  
POSTSCRIPT: Due to some very nice reviews (thank you, Medea, Monica-Bing, and calliope542!), Chapter 3 will be up after Thursday's new episode.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I'm think I'm going to tell her today.  
  
This is so crazy. This may be the most risky thing I've ever done. But I've got to tell her or it's going to kill me.  
  
By the way, I can't believe I'm writing all of this down in one of these girlie online diaries. It's like something Chandler would do. But I have to let it out somewhere and Hugsy can only listen to so much of it.  
  
I talked to Ross and told him everything - well, not everything, just really the important stuff. That was a scary thing to do but I needed to get it over with. I couldn't live with the guilt of hiding this from him anymore. I expected him to be mad. Hey, he has every right to be mad! I'm so much in love with his ex wife - who happens to be the mother of his baby - that I can't think about anything else. I wouldn't have been surprised if he wanted to hit me.  
  
He told me that I need to tell her and at least find out if she's in the same place as me. He was so great about it. I feel worse than ever about doing this to Ross. I don't know why, but I feel guilty every time I see them together. At the same time, it makes me crazy. All the history between them is hard to compete with.  
  
But what if - this would shock Monica and Pheebs and everyone else - what if there's nothing left between them but history and this baby? I know everyone thinks they should be together. I'd have to be out of my mind not to know that by now. But what if there's something more out there for her? Someone that loves who she is now and not some fantasy of who she was in high school? Why can't that someone be me?  
  
I don't know what I'm going to say to her or how to say it. How do you tell your best friend that you're in love with her? "Uh, Rachel, guess what? I go to sleep thinking about you and wake up thinking about you. I dream about you every night. I can't get you out of my mind. Did I mention that nothing like this has ever happened to me before? That I would give anything to be with you?"  
  
Yeah, that needs work.  
  
I've got to tell her, though, even if it terrifies me. I thought maybe since she moved out, it would get easier to keep it from her. I wouldn't have to fight myself all day not to just grab her and kiss her, or lay in bed all night torturing myself because she's so close but I can't go to her. I love her so much that I can't hold it inside another day. I didn't know I could feel this way about someone. Hey, I'm Joey - I don't have deep feelings! Or I didn't until her.  
  
I hope she'll see that this is real. She knows so many of my lines after all these years. I have to convince her that this is the real me.  
  
You know, it's funny because all my lines are true when it comes to her. Things I always said to women that were just words to me - those words can't come close to describing how she makes me feel. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Maybe that's why I'm so scared right now.  
  
I sat here for the longest time before I began this entry, remembering everything we've shared since day one. The first time I saw her, when this wet bride wandered into the coffee house. The one time we kissed on that New Year's Eve a few years ago. When she first moved in with me and the two of us had so much fun together. The first time we went sailing. The awards show. The day she told me she was pregnant and I proposed because I wasn't about to let her go through this alone. All the hours we spent just hanging out, talking, and being together. Every single moment came back to me and all I could do was wonder why it took me so long to see that she is the only one for me.  
  
I'm praying that somehow, she'll tell me she feels the same way I do. If there's a heaven and someone is listening to my prayers, she'll say she loves me too. I know I don't deserve it. But please, whoever is listening up there, just give me the chance to make her happy. I'll never make you regret it.  
  
If she says no, I don't know what I'll do. If I don't tell her how I feel, then she and Ross start things up again, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I can't stand the thought of losing her. But I have to take the chance. I have to try.  
  
This will be either the best or worst night of my life. I don't know what everyone will say to us if she says yes. Right now I don't care. All that matters to me is Rachel.  
  
Ok, that's it. It's now or never. I'm going to tell her - wish me luck. 


	3. The Aftermath

Joey's Diary

Chapter 3: The Aftermath

DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Friends" or any of the characters. But if I did, oh, the fun I'd have!

THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you for the positive reviews! If people continue enjoying it, I'll probably keep it going and possibly move forward into S9. That does depend somewhat on the upcoming S9 finale – I expect an eventual R/R reunion but, as the world's most ardent J/R fan, I am pining and hoping for a little J/R time before the inevitable happens!

Also, I do try to capture Joey's voice accurately: limited vocabulary, imperfect grammar and all. The use of a limited vocabulary can lead to occasionally redundant wording. The song used in this piece is "Rest In Pieces" by Saliva (a gross name for a band, no? but a beautiful song that perfectly fits the subject matter – I encourage every J/R fan to give it a listen!). 

I'm feeling kind of discouraged about continuing this, so if you're enjoying, PLEASE post a review and let me know…thanks.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

__

Look at me

My depth perception must be off again

Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did

It has not healed with time

It just shot down my spine

You look so beautiful tonight

Reminds me how you laid us down 

And gently smiled 

Before you destroyed my life 

Would you find it in your heart

To make this go away

And let me rest in pieces

I can't believe what a mess I've made of things. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

I told her tonight. 

Now everything is ruined. Why couldn't I have just kept my big mouth shut and crawled off into a gutter to die or something? That would be better than this hell I feel right now. Anything would be better than this.

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I don't think I'm ever going to sleep again, and if I did, I probably wouldn't want to wake up. I don't want to think about how I'll face tomorrow. 

I wish I could do that Superman thing where he flew around the Earth backwards so fast that he reversed time and bad things were undone, like they'd never happened. If I could have any superpower I'd want that one, because, dude – I'd give anything to be back in yesterday. Before everything was over forever between Rachel and me.

I went to her place earlier today, ready to tell her everything, but she was late for a meeting so we planned to meet for dinner. 

Finally, there we were at the restaurant, sitting across from each other, her talking about the baby kicking and me unable to take my eyes off her. My God, she was beautiful tonight. Every time I see her, she's more beautiful than the last time. I just sat there, not saying much while she talked about stuff. I was taking her in, memorizing every detail of her in case this whole thing blew up in my face and she never wanted to see me again. I needed a picture of her to carry in my mind and live on for the rest of my life. 

Not that I'll ever forget the way she looked tonight. Not if I live to be 110 and forget everything else, including my own name. 

None of it happened like I'd planned. I had this speech in my head that I was going to say to her. I'm an actor, I can do speeches. I used the free time before meeting her at dinner to think it through and come up with the perfect words. I tried to stay cool about it. Having the speech ready gave me a little more confidence about dropping this bomb on her. 

But when we were sitting at the table together, I couldn't think straight. I can't think straight when I'm around her anyway. Tonight was ten times worse than usual though, because she was either going to say yes and make me the happiest guy who ever lived, or reject me. I knew that finally telling how I feel about her would change things permanently. I was so scared - but not so scared that I didn't have some stupid hope that she'd say yes. I don't know why I had hope, except that I'm a bigger fool than anyone could have imagined. 

My mind was a total blank and the waiter was interrupting us and I just blurted it out. 

"I think I'm falling in love with you". 

I couldn't explain how or why or when. She asked me when. I asked her if it mattered.

But hey, does it even matter how or why or when if the answer is still no?

She tried to play it off like I was joking. Maybe she was shocked or needed to stall for time to think of the right words, words to let me down easy. She did let me down easy. At least, she tried, but it's not really possible. There's nothing easy in this situation.

There was this moment, though, this amazing moment when I thought it was all going to happen. She looked at me with all this intensity in those beautiful eyes, and said in the soft voice that's my favorite sound in the world -

"Joey – Joey, I love you so much – " 

And I swear to whoever, my heart stopped. A million thoughts flashed through my mind in that split second before the next word came out of her mouth, a million images of the two of us together and of happiness and of this crazy dream coming true.

"- but I – "

It was that word "but". In acting, tone is everything and her tone said it all. "But". My mind couldn't take it in - that she knows how I feel and she doesn't want me. She doesn't want me, she doesn't love me the way I love her, and it's over before it ever started. I had to get out of there. I don't know exactly what I said, something about her reaction being what I had expected and that I had to go. I got up to walk out.

And then she started to cry. I can't stand it when she cries, I can handle anything but that. When my sisters cry, I cry too. But when Rachel cries, it breaks me and I would do anything to make her happy again. Besides, she's pregnant and if anything happened to her or the baby, I'd kill myself. I had to swallow my misery even I choked to death on it and do whatever it took to make things ok for her again.

She asked me not to go, so I sat down. I didn't try to hide the fact that I was crying like an eight-year old girl. I was crying for her and for me and for everything that can never and will never happen now. I was crying because, somehow, offering her all the love I have to give had only hurt her and made her sad – two things I would never do, not for anything. I guess I was crying because I knew that, in a way, we were losing each other. 

Then she wanted to hug me and I took her in my arms and we just held each other and cried. I never wanted to let her go. She fit so perfectly against me, like we were made to be together that way forever. I've held a lot of women in my time, but nothing can ever compare to the way I felt at that moment. Her arms around me, her head on my shoulder, something I've dreamed about and wanted so much – no one ever wanted anything as much as I wanted that. Well, it finally happened, for the first, last, and only time. At least now, I'll always know how it feels to hold her. I have that to remember as long as I live.

She told me she didn't want to lose me and I told her that could never happen. It can't, you know – if she or her baby ever need me I'll move heaven and earth to be there for her. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. But the truth is, we did lose each other tonight because things can never be the same. What I said can never be erased. This is always going to be hanging between us. If she ends up with someone else – even Ross – I'll have to get away from the whole gang because I can't deal with it. 

I'm selfish, huh? I want her to be happy, but I want her to be with me. 

__

Look at me

My depth perception must be off again 

You got much closer than I thought you did 

I'm in your reach 

You held me in your hands 

Would you find it in your heart

To make this go away 

And let me rest in pieces

Would you find it in your heart 

To make it go away 

And let me rest in pieces


	4. Numb

Joey's Diary  
  
Chapter 4: Numb  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Friends" or any of the characters. If I did, things would be going **very, very **differently on the show! 

THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I now accept anonymous reviews (thanks, Medea!) so hopefully my feedback will pick up a little. I would really appreciate more reader feedback! I am **still** waiting on next week's S9 finale episode before I know exactly where to take this story. Also, I have another J/R story waiting to be posted after the finale. It's a different format – not diary style – more of a drama. But since it is set in S10, I'll have to wait for next Thursday to see if the spoilers I've read actually take place!

So, without further adieu, read, enjoy, and review! Thanks!  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's been a few days. I'm feeling numb about the whole thing. 

Most of the time I feel drained and tired and kind of like I have a hangover. Then suddenly it comes over me, how I put myself out there and she told me she doesn't feel the same way, and then it's like being hit by a train. Only the train hits me ten times a day and never quite manages to kill me.

I don't know how to get over this. It's not like I've been through this before. I'm pretty sure that I don't ever want to go through this again, either.

I don't know how much longer I can keep avoiding her. I know she wants to talk to me and make things better. That's how she is. She and I have never had anything come between us before this, things have always been great with us. We had the perfect relationship until I decided that I wanted more.

I think she just wants us to be normal again. But I don't know how to be with her anymore. It's awkward and embarrassing, not to mention painful - I didn't stop loving her just because she can't love me back.

None of this changes the fact that I can't be around her right now. But God, I miss her so much, more than I've ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life. It's like this constant ache gnawing away at me because I can't see her or talk to her. I was over at Chandler's yesterday, waiting for Monica to take a cake out of the oven and I saw her across from me in the window. She was just walking though the living room and it only lasted a second, but I almost lost it. I had to leave. I didn't even stick around for cake.

Can you imagine how hard it is to know that everything I want is across the street from me, and I can't go to her? A few hours ago she knocked on my door and called out to me, but I acted like I wasn't home. This situation is killing me inside.

Everyone keeps saying, "Joey, Joey, you've got to talk to her! How long can you avoid her?" Yeah, she and I really need to talk so we can remind each other that I am completely insanely in love with her but she doesn't want to be with me. That's a great conversation starter right there, I'm telling you.

The thing is, I'm not sure that I can be just friends with her now. I want so much more. I think I'm always going to want it. She's never going to want the same thing. So how do I find a way to be in her life again without driving myself crazy? I don't to lose her forever, but it still hurts too much and neither of us can pretend like it didn't happen. 

Does heartbreak come with an expiration date?


	5. Missing You

Joey's Diary

CHAPTER 5: Missing You

DISCLAIMER: Despite my unhealthy obsession with "Friends", I do not own the show or any of the characters. But if I ever do, you'll be the first to know!

THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This will be the last chapter until after the Season 9 finale on Thursday. I am waiting for we J/R fans to get our defining moment – was he **really** over her or was he just pretending and trying to go on with his life? And does she **really** have feelings for him or is it just a physical attraction? Until I get some answers, I'm not sure where to take this. This current chapter is before the proposal in the hospital, not quite S9 time yet. I think at this point he wasn't over it but had decided to put on a brave face.

So please, read and review, and also let me know what you think was really going on with Joey during S9 when he seemed to be so "over" the whole thing. Thanks!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

__

Every time I think of you

I always catch my breath  
And I'm still standing here, 

And you're miles away  
And I'm wondering why you left  
And there's a storm that's raging   
Through my frozen heart tonight

  
I hear your name in certain circles  
And it always makes me smile  
I spend my time thinking about you  
And it's almost driving me wild  
And there's a heart that's breaking  
Down this long distance line tonight  
  
I ain't missing you at all   
Since you've been gone away  
I ain't missing you  
No matter what I might say 

The **only** good thing about her being gone is that I can have beer in the fridge again. I'm on my third one now.

A couple of days ago we finally talked. She wouldn't give up until she got me to talk to her. It was terrible. I didn't know what to say to her. I couldn't even really look at her. In my wildest dreams I never thought there'd be a time when Rachel and I couldn't talk to each other. But there was no avoiding talking to her. I gave in.

The only way we got through it was, she told me this crazy thing about her boss trying to buy her baby. Of course I had to go over to her office and take care of it. It turns out she made the whole thing up to give us something to talk about, and it worked – for about 5 minutes. 

So now everyone expects everything to go back to normal and for me to act like nothing happened. I don't exactly know how to do this. I don't even know why I **should** do it. I remember how Ross carried on when he lost Rachel - it's not like she was the only woman he'd ever loved. Me, I fall in love for the first time in my life, she rejects me, I lose her friendship, I lose her as a roommate, and one of my other best friends is uneasy with me because I'm in love with his ex - wife. But I'm supposed to be over it, like, yesterday. 

I tried so hard. I sent her to live with Ross so that he can be there for the important stuff with the baby. I told Ross how I feel about her first. I only told Rachel because Ross said he was ok with it. And if Ross is the one she wants, I'll be the last guy to stand in the way of them being together. I know what it's like to live without the woman you love, to think about her day and night and to feel like there's no relief from the gut wrenching agony of knowing it can never happen. I would never put her through that. If Ross is what it takes to make her happy, I'll even babysit so they can go out after the baby is born. No one will know that I am dying inside when it happens.

You know, I'm not saying Ross doesn't love her. He probably still has feelings for her. She probably has feelings for him, too. But I don't think he sees what I see when I look at her. I mean, I'm going through this endless hell because I can't be with her. I never got a chance with her. He's had her and lost her over and over again. He was crazy to sleep with that copy girl and mess up his chance. Then she gave him another chance and he messed it up again. If I had her, I'd do anything and everything to make sure I never lost her. If she wants to be the center of someone's world, she could have it with me. 

But I'm never going to get that chance. 

So what do I do now? I guess I find a way to hold I all in. I have to learn to live with it. But it's so hard. When we're in the same room, I stare at her whenever she's not looking. It's embarrassing but I can't help it. I miss her so much, when we're together I just want to look at her. Sometimes she catches me doing it. She just smiles and tries to act like it's normal for a guy to stare longingly at his very pregnant former roommate. His amazingly breathtakingly beautiful former roommate that he can't look at without wanting to kiss. I'm pretty sure she knows what I'm feeling when she catches me looking at her. I think she feels bad about it and kinda sorry for me. I wish she didn't feel either of those things. It doesn't matter though. It doesn't make her love me. Nothing can.

They're all telling me to get back our there and start dating again. I don't know when I'll be doing that. I don't want to look at other women. The last thing I want is to go on a date. The only thought in my head would be "Why can't you be Rachel?"

As much as this hurts, I'm not sorry it happened. I didn't get it before, why people got married or had long relationships or whatever. Women were like ice cream – with so many different flavors, why pick just one? But since this thing with her, I get it. I understand why it's so great to enjoy talking to the same girl that you enjoy kissing. 

I see why Chandler married his best friend. 

I fooled myself for a while. I kept going over it all in my head, every minute we'd ever spent together, trying to find something to hold on to. There were times when she'd looked at me a certain way, or said something. I read too much into it all. I was trying to find proof somewhere that she might have feelings for me. I even convinced myself a little bit. But her answer was final. She's had time to think about it and change her mind, and she hasn't. She's not going to knock on my door and say "Joey, I was so wrong. I love you and I can't live without you another day." It's not going to happen.

I have to face the facts. I love her and she doesn't love me back. She never will. I can be her friend but nothing else. I have to let that be enough for me.

It's time for me to do what I do best – acting. I'll suck it up and act like it isn't killing me to see her with another guy when that time comes. When I can stomach it, I'll go back to falling on top of whatever woman is available. I'll tell myself that it's not really as empty as it feels. I'll be her buddy Joey who doesn't have deep feelings. And I'll act like she's just my friend Rachel. 

They all say I'll find someone else. Who are they kidding? There **is** no one else. It took me this long to find it the first time. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for a second time. 

The truth is, I don't want a second time. I don't want to find someone else. I want what we had. What we could have had. I want her to wake up beside me. I want her to hold my hand when we're walking down the street. I want her to go to those crazy Sunday dinners with my sisters. I want her to be there when I come home from work. I want to ask her about her day so she can tell me a bunch of stuff about fashion that I can't understand. I want her girlie hair stuff and makeup all over my bathroom. I want her to nag me about eating light mayo while she eats mint chocolate-chip ice cream. I want to hold her when she gets scared during a movie. I want to give her Christmas presents that she takes back the next day. I want her to embarrass me at soap opera parties. I want all those little moments that people get to have when they're with the person they love, stuff that everyone takes for granted until they realize they'll never have it.

I don't even want this to stop hurting, because as long as it still hurts, it's like it's not really over. I don't want it to be over yet. I just want the one thing I can never have - her. 

__

There's a message in the wire   
And I'm sending you the signal tonight  
You don't know how desperate I've become  
And it looks like I'm losing this fight  
In your world I have no meaning  
Though I'm trying hard to understand  
And it's my heart that's breaking  
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all  
Since you've been gone away  
I ain't missing you  
No matter what my friends say

And there's a message that I'm sending out  
Like a telegraph to your soul  
And if I can't bridge this distance  
Stop this heartbreak overload

I ain't missing you at all

Since you've been gone away  
I ain't missing you  
No matter what my friends say  
I ain't missing you  
I ain't missing you

I can lie to myself

And there's a storm that's raging

Through my frozen heart tonight


	6. Diamonds On A Ring Of Gold

Joey's Diary

CHAPTER 6: Diamonds On A Ring Of Gold

DISCLAIMER: First, it must be said – Best! Cliffhanger! Ever! 

Now on to the boring stuff – I do not own "Friends", nor do I own the song used in this chapter, which is "All I Want Is You" by U2 (I know, I know – blasphemy! U2 songs are sacred to The Lobsters!).

THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?

****

AUTHOR'S NOTE: PLEASE READ THIS!!! Yes, I did see the finale last night (May 15 2003) and taped it. I've watched it several times, trying to deconstruct the whole thing and look for clues of where this is headed. 

This might be the next to last chapter of this fic. I've posted the details of my dilemma in my bio because I'm not sure that the ff.net rules allow us to post poll questions for the readers in story entries. So - if you have an opinion about this story and how it should end, please go to my bio, read my three questions, and email me your response. If this is somehow against the rules, I'll correct it ASAP. Thanks!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

__

You say 

You want   
Diamonds on a ring of gold  
You say 

You want  
Your story to remain untold

But all the promises we make  
From the cradle to the grave  
When all I want is you

This must have been craziest day of my life so far. I'm not exactly sure where to start.

I guess I'll get the big news out of the way first. Rachel had her baby. It was a girl, just like the doctor said it would be. I got to hold her for a minute. She's really pretty for, you know, a baby. She's so tiny. I think she looks like a tiny Rachel without hair. They named her Emma. Actually, I think Monica named her, but that's another story.

Rachel was in labor for a long, long time – nearly 24 hours. I hung out, mostly with Phoebe (and no, that was not the two of us having sex in the closet). I didn't want to leave until it was over, but it was hard to be so left out. Ross was with her the whole time, like he should have been. After all, he's the father. I'm just the guy with the inappropriate feelings.

So, she has the baby, they're both fine. Monica and Chandler decide to have a baby, and they're both fine. Phoebe meets a new guy, and she's fine. Ross is finally acting like everything is cool with him and me again. And I manage to hide my feelings, for the most part anyway. Then out of nowhere, this crazy thing happens and screws everything up again.

It started when I went into her room and no one was in there. It was the first time things didn't feel weird between us. At least, they felt normal until I noticed that she had been crying. Whenever she cries, I feel like I have to fix it or die trying, so I asked her what was wrong. She told me how scared she is about raising this baby on her own and how Ross is going to find someone and get married someday and start a new family. I couldn't exactly argue with that. I mean, it's Ross. He gets married a lot. So I halfway agreed with that part. 

Then she said she had never thought that she and the baby would be alone and wasn't it dumb it was of her to think that. That got to me so bad, I couldn't stand it. She should never have to feel that way. Besides, it's not the truth. As long as I'm alive, she'll never be alone. It may not happen between the two of us the way I want it, but I'll take care of her if she needs it. I tried to tell her that without getting into all of my feelings and stirring it up again. She asked what she would do without me, and I told her the truth – that she never had to worry about that. Because lately I've realized that as painful as it is sometimes, I'd rather have her as a friend than not have her at all. 

I guess that's when I made my mistake. I put my arms around her, something I thought would never happen again. It didn't matter that she'd just had someone else's baby, or that she was in a hospital bed and kind of a mess from crying. All that mattered at that moment was that she's the only woman I've ever loved. It felt so good that I didn't want to stop - like we were the only two people in the world. 

I wanted it to last forever, but of course it didn't. She started crying and asked me to get her tissues that were under Ross' jacket.

So I move the jacket and this box falls out. I picked it up and realized it was jewelry. I opened it. I don't know why. I've always been curious like that. There it was - an engagement ring. It all became clear to me – Ross was going to propose to her. I would have been upset if I'd had time to think about it, but my first reaction was, "Her troubles are over, she won't have to be afraid of being alone anymore," even though it meant shutting the door on any possibility of us, forever. Her happiness comes first with me always.

I turned around to show her the ring, thinking she'd be all happy and relieved and stuff. But she misunderstood everything, probably because I was down on one knee holding a ring. I can see where it looked kind of bad. She saw the ring and kind of gasped and said "Oh my God". I thought she was saying, "Oh my God, Ross is going to propose to me!" but then she said, "Ok!"

Ok what? I thought. Then I got it – she just agreed to marry me. 

She wanted to put the ring on, which didn't surprise me. She loves jewelry. I didn't know what to do. I was so confused. The woman I love just said she'd marry me. But - I didn't ask her! I was thinking fast, trying to find a way to say, "I didn't actually propose, but I still love you and I can see myself marrying you. Only not this way." I barely got a word out before Ross came in wanting to talk to her.

So there I am. She wants to talk to Ross alone and tell him what just happened. I want to talk to her and tell her it didn't happen. I knew Ross would never forgive me. Thankfully everyone else came in too and I put the ring back where I found it. Ross took them all to the nursery, which bought me a little time.

I needed time to think about it. I admit that I was flattered she said yes. It gave me a little hope that maybe, someday, she could see us together. And it's not like I haven't thought about how it would feel to be married to her. I have, over and over again, in so many different scenarios that I've lost count. But this was all wrong somehow. In the first place, this is not how I would propose to her, in a hospital room when she's just had a baby and is crying and some woman is breast - feeding her twins at the same time in the hall. And not with another guy's ring – give me a littl credit here!

In the second place, she didn't say yes because she loves me. She said yes because she knows that I love her. It's better than nothing, but it's not how I want it to be. If - and this is a big if -she ever changes her mind about us, I want it to be because she feels the same way about me that I feel about her. Not because she's lonely and scared and would say yes to anybody. I'd rather be just her friend than her backup guy. 

Anyway, Ross did find out and I tried to explain it away. Turns out, he never planned to propose to her. He made this kind of half-hearted attempt to suggest dating again. Good plan, dude – you've had a baby with her, it's time that the two of you consider casual dating! He won't step up, he won't make his move, but he won't set her free, either. That's the whole problem.

The two of them have whatever it is that they have, and there's no room for me in it anywhere except to step aside and be friends with them both. They're not going to move on to other people. It's always going to be this back and forth thing between them. You'd think there would be some sort of statute of limitations on how long it is before someone else is allowed to fall in love with her, but obviously not. That's how Ross sees it, and I can't stab him in the back by pursuing something with her.

It all hit me when I saw the two of them with the baby. It was a private moment and I realized that I didn't belong there at all so I left the room. It was really lonely, knowing that it will in some way always be the three of them together, while I'm on the outside, looking in - wishing it could have been me. But that's the reality of the situation and I have to accept it.

There's just never going to be a right time for Rachel and me. I have to stop trying to find signs that her feelings have changed. It's not meant to be, no matter how much I want it. She's always going to see me as just her friend. That plus the history between them - it's impossible. I won't make any more attempts to go after her. I can't do that to Ross, not after seeing the look on his face when he thought I'd proposed. They still have too many feelings for each other. They have this baby and everyone believes they will end up together. I won't do anything to mess that up or jeopardize my friendship with Ross. I don't want to go down that road. I don't want to be that guy.

The thing is, I'm still in love with her. I go home every night to this empty apartment and catch myself waiting for her to walk in the door – then I remember that she's gone and not coming back. I play out this scene in my mind a hundred times a day where Ross is really over her and finds someone else, and she finally says, "You know, Joey, I've been thinking – why not us? I want to give it a try." But we all know it can't – won't – happen. 

It's just a dream – a dream I can't seem to stop having even though it's more evident every day that it will never come true. 


	7. Foolish Heart

Joey's Diary

CHAPTER 7: Foolish Heart

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, but I wish I did – especially Joey! Nor do I own the song used in this piece, which is "Foolish Heart" by Steve Perry – yes, another one of those "I Was A Teenager In The 80's" selections.

THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This will probably be the last chapter of "Joey's Diary" until Season 10 begins. There was very little J/R interaction after episode 913 until TOW Rachel's Dream. Since that episode and the ones that followed were all from Rachel's POV, I can't figure out a way to write about them to fit the diary. I'm going to do an entry about the season premiere if it doesn't totally destroy the J/R romance – which it possibly could. But if it doesn't, I'll keep up the diary for S10, from Joey's POV of course.

So, for now, this is it – until S10, this diary is on hiatus! Check out my other J/R story, "Past & Present" for some summer reading. And finally, a question for you readers – I have an idea for a **short J/R high school story. I was thinking about writing it when "Past & Present" is finished. I know high school fics are sort of a love 'em or hate 'em thing, so I don't know if you guys would be interested in reading it. Let me know what you think, and if there's enough interest, I'll make it my next project.**

~*~*~*~*~

__

I need a love that grows  
I don't want it unless I know  
With each passing hour  
Someone, somehow  
Will be there, ready to share

I need a love that's strong  
I'm so tired of being alone  
But will my lonely heart  
Play the part  
Of the fool again, before I begin  
  
Foolish heart, hear me calling  
Stop before you start falling  
Foolish heart, heed my warning  
You've been wrong before  
Don't be wrong anymore

~*~*~*~

I know I haven't written here in a while. There hasn't been much to write about. I've been working on DOOL, hanging out with everyone, dating again, stuff like that. But something has happened that I have to get off my chest before I explode.

She came home to me today.

Apparently she and Ross had some kind of stupid fight. She didn't seem to want to talk about it, and I don't really want to know anyway. Whatever happened, it was enough to make her feel like she couldn't live with him anymore. I was just sitting around doing nothing when she knocked on my door. I opened it and there she was, asking sweetly, "Can Emma and I live here for a while?"

My heart was beating so fast, I know she could feel it when she hugged me. I have dreamed about this moment since the day she left. Not a day goes by that I haven't wished that she would come home. Suddenly it was all happening.

Now I feel sort of confused. I want her here, there's no question about that. But how am I going to keep my feelings from getting out of control when she's right here all the time? How am I going to stop myself from saying the wrong thing or letting her know that I still love her? Because I do, you know. I never stopped. I don't think I _can_ stop.

And so she had a fight with Ross. It doesn't change anything for me. It will be business as usual with the two of them by next week. Nothing ever really changes. They're on, then they're off. They're together, they're on a break. They had a baby, then they decide to be just friends. 

I can't get my hopes up. I won't let myself think about something happening between us. I'm not going to do that to Ross. But sometimes I wonder how she really feels. Why did she come back to me? She could have gone to Monica's or Phoebe's. But she didn't. Maybe it's because she knows that I'm the one who loves her more than all the others put together. I won't let myself believe that it's because she wanted to be with me. I can't go through that again. Besides, it's not true. When she went looking for a boyfriend, she hooked up with that Gavin guy from work, not good old Joey. If she had any feelings for me at all, she would have come to me then, right?

I'm walking a fine line. I want to be her friend but I don't want to put myself out there and get knocked down again. 

And it's not like I'll ever get a chance with her. She's going to go back to Ross eventually. Everyone has told me that over and over. They belong together, and she'll end up with him – won't she?

__

Feeling that feeling again  
Playing a game I can't win  
Love's knocking on the door  
Of my heart once more  
Think I'll let her in  
Before I begin  
  
Foolish heart, hear me calling  
Stop before, you start falling  
Foolish heart, heed my warning  
You've been wrong before  
Don't be wrong anymore


End file.
